Life’s Intricacies

As the anniversary of my father’s death looms near, I still can’t believe it’s been 19 years. Nineteen years since I saw him laying in a casket, being 12 years old and not really fully understanding how my life had changed and how it was going to continue to transform.

Every year that goes by I tend to get down and out and thinking about everything that I did not get to share with him. Granted he was not the best father and I knew that way back then, but feel that there could’ve been hope, hope that that would have changed.

I can’t help but think of all the things that have happened in my life since I was twelve and so much that was not shared. He’s missed me growing up, graduate, get married, have a son and most importantly just be plain happy.

I often think back at the night my mother received the phone call from a detective informing her that the bodega that my father went to buy (those damn) cigarettes was held up and how he was caught in the cross fire. I remember her falling to her knees and begin to cry – I could not even begin to imagine what she was going through or how she was going to break the news to my older brother who was spending the summer with family.

How do you cope with such a loss?

How do you make your children stronger individuals at the face of such tragedy?

How is a child expected to cope with such a thing and fully understand that life as they know it will never be the same?

I am a firm believer of everything happening for a reason but for the life of me don’t understand how causing a child such pain and trauma would be a good thing. I understand that adversity makes you stronger, but it doesn’t make you immune to tragedy, pain and grief.

Another year comes and goes and the emotions are still raw, my feelings beyond exposed and the connection to a man that for a kid of 12 years old barely knew, still run deep.

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